Monthly Archives: June 2014

New York for the 4th!!

The countdown begins for a lovely little 4th of July weekend.

Thursday we fly into the City and spend an afternoon & evening there. Then early Friday we drive to the Poconos for the Indy Car Race with the whole family!

Should be a fun little weekend. Go #teamfoyt #14 #alferacing #takumasato!!

And the Rockets Red Glare....

And the Rockets Red Glare….

Getting My Groove Back

This morning was my first run after being on “medical exercise rest” for 4 months. Felt good to get out there. It definitely wasn’t easy….but a quick 20 min jog was just what the “doctor” ordered.

After our run (hubs tagged along), I did some strength (sit ups, lunges, and arm weights) followed by an awesome morning meditation. I meditated with a new app, called Relax & Rest. I did the guided meditation for 13 min, followed by music for 5 min. I’m now feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world!

I plan on recording my meals on MyFitnessPal (another awesome app)…with a goal of losing weight. Currently I’m tipping the scales at 117, and my goal weight is my original 112 lbs. Only 5 lbs….let’s see how long it takes me.

Slowly, but surely I’m getting my life back and it feels AWESOME!

TRUTH!

TRUTH!

 

Date Time

After getting caught up in the pregnancy, and then the loss of our pregnancy my husband and I hadn’t dedicated much time to our relationship. Not that things were bad, but we used to take time to spend together and it seemed that as of late, we hadn’t committed to doing the same. I wanted to change that. We decided that it would be good to do a date once a week. One week I would plan, the following week David would plan the date. This week was my week.

I wanted to do something fun, and different. I’m honestly not sure where I got the idea. But I decided take him rock climbing at Xtreme Rock Climbing. Hubs had no idea what we were doing until we pulled up, and I think he was happily surprised.

Xtreme Rock Climbing in Miami!

Xtreme Rock Climbing in Miami!

Ha, nice outfit!

Ha, nice outfit!

I had signed us up for an introductory course. They teach you how to tie the knots, handle the ropes and how to work together as a team. There was one other couple in our class, and they spoke mostly Spanish, so I think they struggled a bit with the language barrier. Once we took the class we had a day pass to climb as much as we wanted. During the class D and I each went up the wall twice. It was scary, exhilarating and definitely FUN! After the class, we decided to take a break and go to lunch. Unfamiliar with the area, we asked the staff and they pointed us to a sushi and Thai restaurant called Sea Siam Connection in the London Square shopping center. It was actually excellent! And the restaurant was very cute, with amazing staff. Here are some pics of our rolls and crispy duck….

Roll on the L had coconut shrimp, and plantains on top. Roll on R had tuna, cream cheese and creamy curry sauce...YUm!

Roll on the L had coconut shrimp, and plantains on top. Roll on R had tuna, cream cheese and creamy curry sauce…YUm!

Nice decor!

Nice decor!

Having a good laugh.

Having a good laugh.

The food wasn’t cheap, but you could tell the ingredients were super fresh. Plus the rolls were HUGE! For all 3 items, the bill was $55.

After lunch we went back to the climbing place and spent another hour. Basically the difficulty of the climbs start at 5.6 (beginner) and go up to 5.12. We did a 5.7 and then got brave and did a couple of 5.8’s. I was very proud of myself and we both had an excellent time. I was happy to reconnect with David and enjoy an afternoon of mindless fun! I’m excited to see what he plans for next week….

1 Week Post D&C

So it’s been a week since that horrid day. At this point the struggle’s been much more mental than physical. Since surgery, I haven’t had much pain. In fact the doctor gave me two prescriptions for pain and I didn’t fill either of them. I’ve been taking it easy and trying to sleep however my mind races and I think I picked up a chest cold at the hospital.

The bleeding has been minimal. It was nearly gone by Sunday evening.

Wednesday I met with the doctor again. He took some blood to measure the HCG levels…we will continue to monitor them until they reach zero. I hope it goes quickly so that I can feel normal again. Being in that office again was no fun. Surrounded by happy pregnant women, just makes me feel sorry for myself.

I’m trying to get back into my normal exercise routine. After the appointment on Wednesday, he gave me the go ahead to start working out again.

I’ve avoided therapy…..I know I should go and talk about things, but I’m just not ready. For me, right now, avoidance seems like the best strategy.

I already started researching adoption. Some people might think it’s too soon, but with my personality it’s a coping mechanism. A way to make a plan to move forward. I’m not saying we’re going to make any decisions anytime soon. But I just wanted to educate myself. We will also schedule a follow up meeting with the IVF doctor, Dr. Hernandez-Rey. Just want to hear what he has to say, and what he thinks the issue is. I’d also like to speak to him about an egg donor and the odds of success. We probably won’t meet with him for a few more months. Just want to get my head on straight.

In terms of friends who have been there for me, I can’t say that anyone has been. I get it, we all have our busy lives that get in the way. And perhaps no one really knows how much I’m struggling. I’m pretty good at putting up a good front of being strong. It would be nice if my two best friends would at least reach out and see how I’m doing. It’s funny, my friends who are further away have been more in contact with me than anyone. Of course my amazing family has been there for me. Poor David, he doesn’t seem to have much support other than my family either. But we are blessed to at least have that, as I’m sure there are people out there who have no one.

One of my friends told me she thinks that God only puts the strongest people through some of the hardest things. I think she was trying to tell me that I’m strong, but I don’t understand why God would do that? David has another approach…he thinks God was saving us from a severely disabled child which would have brought more pain in the long run. Perhaps he’s right…I guess we’ll never know. I just wish I found solace in these things. For now, no matter the reason, it’s a heartache that no one should ever have to experience.

Life goes on, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Fathers Day

By Sunday, I was able to hold back tears long enough to enjoy the day. Hubs and I woke up and decided to rent bikes for an hour and take a little ride around South Beach. It was lovely. In the back of my mind, I was sad that we weren’t making a big deal for David and his first Fathers day. But, it was no longer his first fathers day….as there was no more life inside my belly for him to father. He seemed content to bike with our doggie daughters.

Fathers day bike ride

Fathers day bike ride

Unfortunately, he had work to do the rest of the afternoon…so after our bike ride I met up with mom and dad. It was great, because my parents kept me distracted with a lovely lunch at Mandolin in the Design District. We sipped a lovely white wine, ate lamb meatballs and an awesome feta & watermelon salad. For my main course I had lamb chops (all amazing, and all things I had to previously avoid due to my pregnancy). We left happy, and jumped in the car to explore neighborhoods to buy a house.

The funny thing is, a few days before finding out we lost the baby, we had listed our townhouse with the main reasoning being that it wasn’t really baby friendly. And now that that it’s such a priority now, we aren’t 100% sure we want to sell. Regardless, we went house hunting for me to get excited about getting a fresh start with a cute little house over in Surfside. After a few blocks into the neighborhood, I fell in love. We drove around for over an hour, looking for “for sale” signs and seeing the streets we preferred. Again, it was a great distraction!

We ended the afternoon/ into evening with drinks by the pool at the Mondrian, which was the hotel my parents were staying. We enjoyed a couple bottles of Whispering Angel rose and people watched by the pool.

Drinks at the Mondrian

Drinks at the Mondrian

All-in-all it was an ok day. And it seems that as time goes on, it’s getting easier for me to cope with our loss. There won’t be a day (at least anytime soon) that it doesn’t cross my mind. But I’m starting to realize that there are other options out there for us, and that I refuse to give up our fight for our precious baby.

One of the Worst Days

Yesterday, I unsuspectingly went to the doctor for some routine tests (ALONE..yes, I was alone). Immediately the ultrasound tech asked when my last Ultrasound was. My reply was 9 and a half weeks, why is something wrong? She answered that she was unable to find a heartbeat. And I had noticed that the baby wasn’t moving. I fell apart completely……I felt sick immediately, shaking and sobbing. Poor tech, she had to finish the test and measure the baby in order to know when it had passed. I pulled myself together (barely) and she finished. She called my doc to report the news, he wanted to me come upstairs to discuss how to proceed. I was able to break the news to my husband and my mother…who were shocked to say the least. David dropped everything to come and join me at the hospital and mom made arrangements to fly out first thing the next day to come be by my side.

I went upstairs to the OB’s office, so embarrassed of the tears streaming down my face. He proceeded to tell me that there must have been something “bio-mechanically” wrong with the fetus. He also was sure to tell me that there was nothing I did wrong….nor anything anyone could have done to save it. It simply was a missed miscarriage. I still had all my symptoms, no crazy cramping or bleeding. It just “went away” at 10 weeks (yes, I had been carrying around a dead baby for over 10 days). The doc wanted to schedule the D&C immediately, for that evening in fact.

I walked over to the welcome center to check in for my surgery ( I felt like a zombie, living in some sort of a dream world with cruel and horrible tragedies), where David finally joined me. We just held eachother and cried right there in the middle of the welcome center at Mt. Sinai hospital. Unable to put words to our shattered hearts. I was so happy to finally have my rock by my side. We just kept questioning why? Why another miscarriage, why now….how do we even proceed after all of this? Obviously there are no answers, just more questions.

I broke the news to most of my friends via text. I didn’t want to have a face-to-face, and I didn’t even want to have a conversation. I just wanted people to know. I didn’t want sympathy….but just support because I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to get past this.

The D&C was late, scheduled for 730pm. It seemed to go quickly and I was up and out of recovery by 11pm…home by 11:30. Funny how a 20 minute procedure can take away the most precious life, and thing that I have ever been given.

Anyways…I wanted to save the below post which I had drafted before my appointment so that all I would have to do is add a picture of my beautiful little bean. But alas…there is no picture, or heartbeat and even the tissue is gone from my body. So there is just nothing left. I think the doctor might have even taken a big chunk of my heart when he did the D&C last night. Nothing will even feel the same.

This was my instagram post; "Rough day....baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn't very fair, is it?"

This was my instagram post; “Rough day….baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn’t very fair, is it?”

Can you tell I've been crying for about 5 straight hours?

Can you tell I’ve been crying for about 5 straight hours?

How far along?  11 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Wearing nice, stretchy maxi dresses. Comfort is king for now!
Stretch marks? Nope. Using my Bio Oil religiously!
Sleep: Sleeping ok, getting a bit difficult to find a comfy position to fall asleep in…but once I’m asleep I’m out (other than the frequent trips to the bathroom).
Best moment this week: Seeing the bean again on ultrasound.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? I want a big, fat rare juicy steak. Ugh, and I have to wait 6 more months 😦 O well, sacrifices….this is only the beginning of the sacrifices we’re going to make for him/her.
Movement: Nope.
Food cravings: Sweets.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific.                                                                                           Other Symptoms: Holy breast pain, Batman. My girls have been so horribly tender this week. Shooting pain in my nipples, it’s crazy painful! Also feeling dizzy when standing. And pretty sluggish overall.                                          Have you started to show yet:  Not really. Went to the beach for the first time since being pregnant. I totally felt fat and preggo, but I’m sure no one had a clue.
Gender prediction: Girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Feeling slightly less moody….I think this is the blessing of the approaching 2nd trimester! Fingers crossed I stay “less moody”.
Looking forward to: Showing off my bump when I see the family over the 4th of July!!

10th Week of Pregnancy

So I’m a few days late, as I’m already into my 11th week. But I’ll recap the 10th week for you!

How far along?  10 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Not yet. I invested in two belly bands so that I can still wear my pants, although I haven’t really used them yet. It’s strange week 8 & early week 9 I couldn’t button my pants. Then late in week 9, my bloat went away and I think my uterus started to move above my bladder so all of a sudden I could button things again.
Stretch marks? Nope. I invested in some Bio Oil…hoping this keeps the stretch marks away!
Sleep: Sleeping ok. Stressed about finances, so that’s been keeping me up every now and then.
Best moment this week: Go home from walking Thursday evening and my belly had gotten bigger (the pic is from after the walk). My belly was hard too….I’m finally starting to look a bit pregnant.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? Yes, lots of things. I think the minute you tell me I can’t have something, it’s the minute I want it. Sushi, wine, even hot dogs ( I went on a mission to find some hot dogs without nitrates…that’s how much I was missing them).
Movement: I thought I felt some flutters…but everyone tells me I’m crazy. Hopefully in a few more weeks!
Food cravings: Sweets. I went out and got some lowfat Cookies and Cream ice cream and eat a scoop nearly every day!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific, it’s really random when I get my nausea. Nausea wasn’t too bad this week!

Have you started to show yet:  Barely.
Gender prediction: Girl! I even seem to have picked out twice as many girl names I like.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody. Poor hubby. We have visitors from France (staying 10 days). I don’t feel very hospitable, because I’m beyond irritated with their kid! I just need my space right now, and want to be alone a bit.
Looking forward to: Belly getting bigger, so I go from looking a bit fat to looking preggo! Can’t wait! Also, next week is the Nuchal Test.  I’m nervous, but excited at the same time to see the baby again.

That's the start of my bump! It popped out that night.

That’s the start of my bump! It popped out that night.

It’s funny everything I read about the 10th week made it sound like it was going to be the worst, but I must say it wasn’t too bad. The doctor also gave me the go ahead to stop the Progesterone Injections at the end of the 10th week. Saturday was my last shot…….YAY!!