One of the Worst Days

Yesterday, I unsuspectingly went to the doctor for some routine tests (ALONE..yes, I was alone). Immediately the ultrasound tech asked when my last Ultrasound was. My reply was 9 and a half weeks, why is something wrong? She answered that she was unable to find a heartbeat. And I had noticed that the baby wasn’t moving. I fell apart completely……I felt sick immediately, shaking and sobbing. Poor tech, she had to finish the test and measure the baby in order to know when it had passed. I pulled myself together (barely) and she finished. She called my doc to report the news, he wanted to me come upstairs to discuss how to proceed. I was able to break the news to my husband and my mother…who were shocked to say the least. David dropped everything to come and join me at the hospital and mom made arrangements to fly out first thing the next day to come be by my side.

I went upstairs to the OB’s office, so embarrassed of the tears streaming down my face. He proceeded to tell me that there must have been something “bio-mechanically” wrong with the fetus. He also was sure to tell me that there was nothing I did wrong….nor anything anyone could have done to save it. It simply was a missed miscarriage. I still had all my symptoms, no crazy cramping or bleeding. It just “went away” at 10 weeks (yes, I had been carrying around a dead baby for over 10 days). The doc wanted to schedule the D&C immediately, for that evening in fact.

I walked over to the welcome center to check in for my surgery ( I felt like a zombie, living in some sort of a dream world with cruel and horrible tragedies), where David finally joined me. We just held eachother and cried right there in the middle of the welcome center at Mt. Sinai hospital. Unable to put words to our shattered hearts. I was so happy to finally have my rock by my side. We just kept questioning why? Why another miscarriage, why now….how do we even proceed after all of this? Obviously there are no answers, just more questions.

I broke the news to most of my friends via text. I didn’t want to have a face-to-face, and I didn’t even want to have a conversation. I just wanted people to know. I didn’t want sympathy….but just support because I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to get past this.

The D&C was late, scheduled for 730pm. It seemed to go quickly and I was up and out of recovery by 11pm…home by 11:30. Funny how a 20 minute procedure can take away the most precious life, and thing that I have ever been given.

Anyways…I wanted to save the below post which I had drafted before my appointment so that all I would have to do is add a picture of my beautiful little bean. But alas…there is no picture, or heartbeat and even the tissue is gone from my body. So there is just nothing left. I think the doctor might have even taken a big chunk of my heart when he did the D&C last night. Nothing will even feel the same.

This was my instagram post; "Rough #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn't very fair, is it?"

This was my instagram post; “Rough day….baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn’t very fair, is it?”

Can you tell I've been crying for about 5 straight hours?

Can you tell I’ve been crying for about 5 straight hours?

How far along?  11 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Wearing nice, stretchy maxi dresses. Comfort is king for now!
Stretch marks? Nope. Using my Bio Oil religiously!
Sleep: Sleeping ok, getting a bit difficult to find a comfy position to fall asleep in…but once I’m asleep I’m out (other than the frequent trips to the bathroom).
Best moment this week: Seeing the bean again on ultrasound.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? I want a big, fat rare juicy steak. Ugh, and I have to wait 6 more months 😦 O well, sacrifices….this is only the beginning of the sacrifices we’re going to make for him/her.
Movement: Nope.
Food cravings: Sweets.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific.                                                                                           Other Symptoms: Holy breast pain, Batman. My girls have been so horribly tender this week. Shooting pain in my nipples, it’s crazy painful! Also feeling dizzy when standing. And pretty sluggish overall.                                          Have you started to show yet:  Not really. Went to the beach for the first time since being pregnant. I totally felt fat and preggo, but I’m sure no one had a clue.
Gender prediction: Girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Feeling slightly less moody….I think this is the blessing of the approaching 2nd trimester! Fingers crossed I stay “less moody”.
Looking forward to: Showing off my bump when I see the family over the 4th of July!!


6 thoughts on “One of the Worst Days

  1. Stefanie

    Oh my, I am so, so very sorry. Your post brings back memories of last Thursday for me, as I heard those same words from the ultrasound tech. I was only 7 weeks though, and had carried around my passed baby for about a week, but still, hurts. I wish I could offer you comfort from the pain, but I’m beginning to realize myself that nothing quite helps right now. I’m so sorry, thoughts and prayers to you.


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