Category Archives: Pregnancy

Pregnancy milestones, woes & adventures!

1 Week Post D&C

So it’s been a week since that horrid day. At this point the struggle’s been much more mental than physical. Since surgery, I haven’t had much pain. In fact the doctor gave me two prescriptions for pain and I didn’t fill either of them. I’ve been taking it easy and trying to sleep however my mind races and I think I picked up a chest cold at the hospital.

The bleeding has been minimal. It was nearly gone by Sunday evening.

Wednesday I met with the doctor again. He took some blood to measure the HCG levels…we will continue to monitor them until they reach zero. I hope it goes quickly so that I can feel normal again. Being in that office again was no fun. Surrounded by happy pregnant women, just makes me feel sorry for myself.

I’m trying to get back into my normal exercise routine. After the appointment on Wednesday, he gave me the go ahead to start working out again.

I’ve avoided therapy…..I know I should go and talk about things, but I’m just not ready. For me, right now, avoidance seems like the best strategy.

I already started researching adoption. Some people might think it’s too soon, but with my personality it’s a coping mechanism. A way to make a plan to move forward. I’m not saying we’re going to make any decisions anytime soon. But I just wanted to educate myself. We will also schedule a follow up meeting with the IVF doctor, Dr. Hernandez-Rey. Just want to hear what he has to say, and what he thinks the issue is. I’d also like to speak to him about an egg donor and the odds of success. We probably won’t meet with him for a few more months. Just want to get my head on straight.

In terms of friends who have been there for me, I can’t say that anyone has been. I get it, we all have our busy lives that get in the way. And perhaps no one really knows how much I’m struggling. I’m pretty good at putting up a good front of being strong. It would be nice if my two best friends would at least reach out and see how I’m doing. It’s funny, my friends who are further away have been more in contact with me than anyone. Of course my amazing family has been there for me. Poor David, he doesn’t seem to have much support other than my family either. But we are blessed to at least have that, as I’m sure there are people out there who have no one.

One of my friends told me she thinks that God only puts the strongest people through some of the hardest things. I think she was trying to tell me that I’m strong, but I don’t understand why God would do that? David has another approach…he thinks God was saving us from a severely disabled child which would have brought more pain in the long run. Perhaps he’s right…I guess we’ll never know. I just wish I found solace in these things. For now, no matter the reason, it’s a heartache that no one should ever have to experience.

Life goes on, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

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One of the Worst Days

Yesterday, I unsuspectingly went to the doctor for some routine tests (ALONE..yes, I was alone). Immediately the ultrasound tech asked when my last Ultrasound was. My reply was 9 and a half weeks, why is something wrong? She answered that she was unable to find a heartbeat. And I had noticed that the baby wasn’t moving. I fell apart completely……I felt sick immediately, shaking and sobbing. Poor tech, she had to finish the test and measure the baby in order to know when it had passed. I pulled myself together (barely) and she finished. She called my doc to report the news, he wanted to me come upstairs to discuss how to proceed. I was able to break the news to my husband and my mother…who were shocked to say the least. David dropped everything to come and join me at the hospital and mom made arrangements to fly out first thing the next day to come be by my side.

I went upstairs to the OB’s office, so embarrassed of the tears streaming down my face. He proceeded to tell me that there must have been something “bio-mechanically” wrong with the fetus. He also was sure to tell me that there was nothing I did wrong….nor anything anyone could have done to save it. It simply was a missed miscarriage. I still had all my symptoms, no crazy cramping or bleeding. It just “went away” at 10 weeks (yes, I had been carrying around a dead baby for over 10 days). The doc wanted to schedule the D&C immediately, for that evening in fact.

I walked over to the welcome center to check in for my surgery ( I felt like a zombie, living in some sort of a dream world with cruel and horrible tragedies), where David finally joined me. We just held eachother and cried right there in the middle of the welcome center at Mt. Sinai hospital. Unable to put words to our shattered hearts. I was so happy to finally have my rock by my side. We just kept questioning why? Why another miscarriage, why now….how do we even proceed after all of this? Obviously there are no answers, just more questions.

I broke the news to most of my friends via text. I didn’t want to have a face-to-face, and I didn’t even want to have a conversation. I just wanted people to know. I didn’t want sympathy….but just support because I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to get past this.

The D&C was late, scheduled for 730pm. It seemed to go quickly and I was up and out of recovery by 11pm…home by 11:30. Funny how a 20 minute procedure can take away the most precious life, and thing that I have ever been given.

Anyways…I wanted to save the below post which I had drafted before my appointment so that all I would have to do is add a picture of my beautiful little bean. But alas…there is no picture, or heartbeat and even the tissue is gone from my body. So there is just nothing left. I think the doctor might have even taken a big chunk of my heart when he did the D&C last night. Nothing will even feel the same.

This was my instagram post; "Rough day....baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn't very fair, is it?"

This was my instagram post; “Rough day….baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn’t very fair, is it?”

Can you tell I've been crying for about 5 straight hours?

Can you tell I’ve been crying for about 5 straight hours?

How far along?  11 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Wearing nice, stretchy maxi dresses. Comfort is king for now!
Stretch marks? Nope. Using my Bio Oil religiously!
Sleep: Sleeping ok, getting a bit difficult to find a comfy position to fall asleep in…but once I’m asleep I’m out (other than the frequent trips to the bathroom).
Best moment this week: Seeing the bean again on ultrasound.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? I want a big, fat rare juicy steak. Ugh, and I have to wait 6 more months 😦 O well, sacrifices….this is only the beginning of the sacrifices we’re going to make for him/her.
Movement: Nope.
Food cravings: Sweets.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific.                                                                                           Other Symptoms: Holy breast pain, Batman. My girls have been so horribly tender this week. Shooting pain in my nipples, it’s crazy painful! Also feeling dizzy when standing. And pretty sluggish overall.                                          Have you started to show yet:  Not really. Went to the beach for the first time since being pregnant. I totally felt fat and preggo, but I’m sure no one had a clue.
Gender prediction: Girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Feeling slightly less moody….I think this is the blessing of the approaching 2nd trimester! Fingers crossed I stay “less moody”.
Looking forward to: Showing off my bump when I see the family over the 4th of July!!

10th Week of Pregnancy

So I’m a few days late, as I’m already into my 11th week. But I’ll recap the 10th week for you!

How far along?  10 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Not yet. I invested in two belly bands so that I can still wear my pants, although I haven’t really used them yet. It’s strange week 8 & early week 9 I couldn’t button my pants. Then late in week 9, my bloat went away and I think my uterus started to move above my bladder so all of a sudden I could button things again.
Stretch marks? Nope. I invested in some Bio Oil…hoping this keeps the stretch marks away!
Sleep: Sleeping ok. Stressed about finances, so that’s been keeping me up every now and then.
Best moment this week: Go home from walking Thursday evening and my belly had gotten bigger (the pic is from after the walk). My belly was hard too….I’m finally starting to look a bit pregnant.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? Yes, lots of things. I think the minute you tell me I can’t have something, it’s the minute I want it. Sushi, wine, even hot dogs ( I went on a mission to find some hot dogs without nitrates…that’s how much I was missing them).
Movement: I thought I felt some flutters…but everyone tells me I’m crazy. Hopefully in a few more weeks!
Food cravings: Sweets. I went out and got some lowfat Cookies and Cream ice cream and eat a scoop nearly every day!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific, it’s really random when I get my nausea. Nausea wasn’t too bad this week!

Have you started to show yet:  Barely.
Gender prediction: Girl! I even seem to have picked out twice as many girl names I like.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody. Poor hubby. We have visitors from France (staying 10 days). I don’t feel very hospitable, because I’m beyond irritated with their kid! I just need my space right now, and want to be alone a bit.
Looking forward to: Belly getting bigger, so I go from looking a bit fat to looking preggo! Can’t wait! Also, next week is the Nuchal Test.  I’m nervous, but excited at the same time to see the baby again.

That's the start of my bump! It popped out that night.

That’s the start of my bump! It popped out that night.

It’s funny everything I read about the 10th week made it sound like it was going to be the worst, but I must say it wasn’t too bad. The doctor also gave me the go ahead to stop the Progesterone Injections at the end of the 10th week. Saturday was my last shot…….YAY!!

One Drop of Blood

So on Tuesday, I had just gotten off the phone with my college friend who excitedly shared the news that she too was pregnant with the SAME DUE DATE. I was beyond excited!!

I ran upstairs to use the rest room and as I got up there was a drop of red blood that fell into the toilet. I wiped and there was a bit more blood. My heart jumped into my throat as I said to my husband “OMG, I’m bleeding”. He came into the bathroom and we just stood there. I didn’t know what to do, or what to think. NO GOOD!

Trying not to freak out I laid on the couch. I hadn’t over done it that morning. I had just sat through a therapy session and acupuncture. Nothing too crazy. What had I done? Wracking my brain, I pulled up Dr. Google. That was after I went to the bathroom again to check for more blood….NOTHING. Ok, well that’s good!

According to Dr. Google, there were plenty of women who had some blood in their first and even second trimester and went on to have a totally normal pregnancy. That eased my mind a little. I called my mom, texted my friends who’ve been preggo. Mom couldn’t recall any blood. Of the 3 friends I asked about blood 2 had had some. Ok, ok I’m starting to calm a bit more. I was put more at ease knowing the next morning morning I was going to the doc so that he could make sure everything was ok!

That morning I got up and jumped in the shower. As I’m standing there, a pain in my left side, just above my bladder starts. I would say on a scale of 1-10, it was definitely a 6-7. I laid down, still there. I tried to relax, still there. O man, this is NOT GOOD! I got out of the shower trying not to cry. I laid on the bed and told hubs about the pain and immediately burst into tears.  We said a little prayer and headed off to our appointment….trying to hold back tears the entire journey there.

It was my first OB appointment, that’s right, I graduated from the specialist to the normal OB. I should have been excited, but I was nervous as hell. The paperwork and consultation took FOREVER!! I just wanted to see my baby! Make sure it was still here, with that beating little heart. Finally it was time for the ultrasound.

 

Battling Insurance

So back in March, at the beginning of our IVF cycle our insurance denied coverage of the medication. I mean, how can it cover the procedure and NOT the medication? Well apparently there are people who do it without meds…but clearly that wasn’t going to work for me.

They denied the coverage saying blanketed that it wasn’t covered “except as outlined in the Outpatient Medical Services provision”. Well that provision stated that it was covered if I had a history of infertility for 2 or more years. Well, HELLO…it’s been just exactly 2 years since we started treatment in France for infertility. Therefore these bastards better cover it.

I mean, honestly I’m just happy they paid for the $15k for the procedure. But the $8500 for the meds was a big, unexpected cost for us. Since we assumed that the meds were covered as well. Praying this works and we can get at least SOME of our money back!

This stuff is expensive, but worth every penny!

This stuff is expensive, but worth every penny!

IVF Guilt

So after taking over 2 years, and having to resort to IVF, in order to get pregnant. I feel like I’m extra cautious, and I have mega guilt if I make a mistake. For example, I want to eat the right things and do everything just perfectly. After all, we went through this huge effort for this baby and if anything were to go wrong I would feel absolutely horrid.

-I’m feeling guilty when I indulge my sweet cravings. I know the baby needs healthy meals, packed full of fruits and veggies with nutrients for him or her to have everything it needs to grow and be strong. But sometimes, I just HAVE to have a sweet here and there. I give in, and when I do I have this immense guilt!

-I’m feeling guilty for having a TEENY TINY glass of wine the other night. Before getting preggo, I was a complete and total wine-o! There was nothing better for me after a long day, than having a delicious glass of wine.  We were at a dinner party, and they had opened a beautiful bottle of ’97 Cakebread. I couldn’t resist having a taste. It was so yummy, and made me miss wine even more. But I stuck to my guns and only had a few sips over a 3 hour dinner. But that night when I went home, I had a mild freak out. What had I done???? We’ve done all this for our miracle baby, and I couldn’t even turn down some wine? It was a horrible feeling!

-I went to the grocery store today, alone for the first time. Normally, the hubs comes along so that I don’t have to lift anything. But I’m so used to doing everything, and handling everything myself. I figured that I could handle the job today. Carrying the groceries into the house, including a case of coke and a big bottle of laundry detergent. I immediate regretted it. I shouldn’t have lifted all this stuff. I should have waited and let hubs help me. I will be so devastated if I’ve hurt the baby in anyway or caused a miscarriage. It’s still only the 8th week, the odds are still high for MC and they tell you specifically not to lift, push or pull anything heavy. What have I done?

This guilt will definitely stay with me throughout my pregnancy. And I waiver between wanting to be independent, and I can handle all of this stuff and just live my life normally…to the extreme opposite. Just wanting to sit on the couch and do nothing for the next 7 months until the baby arrives so that I don’t do anything wrong. Neither is realistic, and I need to get these feelings under control because stress (ie. guilt) isn’t good for the baby.

It’s crazy this little baby is just the size of a berry and it’s already taking over my life, and I already love it so much that I can’t stand the thought of anything bad happening to it. I pray this pregnancy goes well, and that I will get to meet this little human in a few short months!

 

PS. After a bit of research, it turns out that there are plenty of women/parents out there feeling this way. In fact, some have even had it become an issue while raising their children. For example some people are having troubles punishing their children because of the guilt from IVF. O man…I hope I’m able to get this issue under control!!

8th Week

At this point I’m half way through my 8th week of pregnancy. On Monday we had an ultrasound at the specialist. Our little bean is definitely growing. Now the size of a raspberry, (s)he was wiggling around in there. We got to hear the heartbeat again, and it was going strong at 155 beats per min. It’s finally starting to feel real, and I’m getting very excited about this little nugget already.

Baby's growing like a champ. I could actually make out limbs at the US!!

Baby’s growing like a champ. I could actually make out limbs at the US!!

My friends Ali & Eduardo had her baby boy on Monday. He’s so little and just so cute. This was my first friend to have a baby vaginally. She said it was an amazing experience, despite having contractions for over 2 days. He weighed in at 7lbs 8oz and was a whopping 22 inches long. We’ve been watching their first fur baby…Mr. Paco. He’s in for quite the surprise when I bring him home to his new little brother!

Baby Samuel Eduardo Henriques....so so cute!

Baby Samuel Eduardo Henriques….so so cute!

 

How far along?  8 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: 2 lbs (basically from completely cutting out exercise)
Maternity clothes? Not yet…but I’m using a hair tie to extend my pants and some shorts.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sleeping great
Best moment this week: Seeing the little bean get even bigger since the last ultrasound. (S)He even measured one day ahead!
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? Wine. I was naughty and had a TINY splash of wine on Monday night at a dinner party. It was a ’97 Cakebread and there was no chance I wasn’t having a taste!
Movement: No
Food cravings: Sweets. It’s a problem! I’ve been eating these protein bars in between meals, and I read the packaging and turns out there’s high fructose corn syrup. So then I started researching, and that sh*ts in like everything. So I made it a point at my last grocery shop to not buy anything with that crap any more. Apparently it’s a contributing factor to gestational diabetes. SCARY!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific, it’s really random when I get my nausea.

Have you started to show yet:  Nah
Gender prediction: Still feeling girl! Dr. Hernandez-Rey predicted girl at our ultrasound this week, based on the heartbeat rate
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender, I know I’ve got like 10 more weeks…but I’m pretty excited to see what’s growing inside me!