One of the Worst Days

Yesterday, I unsuspectingly went to the doctor for some routine tests (ALONE..yes, I was alone). Immediately the ultrasound tech asked when my last Ultrasound was. My reply was 9 and a half weeks, why is something wrong? She answered that she was unable to find a heartbeat. And I had noticed that the baby wasn’t moving. I fell apart completely……I felt sick immediately, shaking and sobbing. Poor tech, she had to finish the test and measure the baby in order to know when it had passed. I pulled myself together (barely) and she finished. She called my doc to report the news, he wanted to me come upstairs to discuss how to proceed. I was able to break the news to my husband and my mother…who were shocked to say the least. David dropped everything to come and join me at the hospital and mom made arrangements to fly out first thing the next day to come be by my side.

I went upstairs to the OB’s office, so embarrassed of the tears streaming down my face. He proceeded to tell me that there must have been something “bio-mechanically” wrong with the fetus. He also was sure to tell me that there was nothing I did wrong….nor anything anyone could have done to save it. It simply was a missed miscarriage. I still had all my symptoms, no crazy cramping or bleeding. It just “went away” at 10 weeks (yes, I had been carrying around a dead baby for over 10 days). The doc wanted to schedule the D&C immediately, for that evening in fact.

I walked over to the welcome center to check in for my surgery ( I felt like a zombie, living in some sort of a dream world with cruel and horrible tragedies), where David finally joined me. We just held eachother and cried right there in the middle of the welcome center at Mt. Sinai hospital. Unable to put words to our shattered hearts. I was so happy to finally have my rock by my side. We just kept questioning why? Why another miscarriage, why now….how do we even proceed after all of this? Obviously there are no answers, just more questions.

I broke the news to most of my friends via text. I didn’t want to have a face-to-face, and I didn’t even want to have a conversation. I just wanted people to know. I didn’t want sympathy….but just support because I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to get past this.

The D&C was late, scheduled for 730pm. It seemed to go quickly and I was up and out of recovery by 11pm…home by 11:30. Funny how a 20 minute procedure can take away the most precious life, and thing that I have ever been given.

Anyways…I wanted to save the below post which I had drafted before my appointment so that all I would have to do is add a picture of my beautiful little bean. But alas…there is no picture, or heartbeat and even the tissue is gone from my body. So there is just nothing left. I think the doctor might have even taken a big chunk of my heart when he did the D&C last night. Nothing will even feel the same.

This was my instagram post; "Rough day....baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn't very fair, is it?"

This was my instagram post; “Rough day….baby #2 is in heaven with its brother or sister. Life isn’t very fair, is it?”

Can you tell I've been crying for about 5 straight hours?

Can you tell I’ve been crying for about 5 straight hours?

How far along?  11 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Wearing nice, stretchy maxi dresses. Comfort is king for now!
Stretch marks? Nope. Using my Bio Oil religiously!
Sleep: Sleeping ok, getting a bit difficult to find a comfy position to fall asleep in…but once I’m asleep I’m out (other than the frequent trips to the bathroom).
Best moment this week: Seeing the bean again on ultrasound.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? I want a big, fat rare juicy steak. Ugh, and I have to wait 6 more months 😦 O well, sacrifices….this is only the beginning of the sacrifices we’re going to make for him/her.
Movement: Nope.
Food cravings: Sweets.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific.                                                                                           Other Symptoms: Holy breast pain, Batman. My girls have been so horribly tender this week. Shooting pain in my nipples, it’s crazy painful! Also feeling dizzy when standing. And pretty sluggish overall.                                          Have you started to show yet:  Not really. Went to the beach for the first time since being pregnant. I totally felt fat and preggo, but I’m sure no one had a clue.
Gender prediction: Girl!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Feeling slightly less moody….I think this is the blessing of the approaching 2nd trimester! Fingers crossed I stay “less moody”.
Looking forward to: Showing off my bump when I see the family over the 4th of July!!

10th Week of Pregnancy

So I’m a few days late, as I’m already into my 11th week. But I’ll recap the 10th week for you!

How far along?  10 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Not yet. I invested in two belly bands so that I can still wear my pants, although I haven’t really used them yet. It’s strange week 8 & early week 9 I couldn’t button my pants. Then late in week 9, my bloat went away and I think my uterus started to move above my bladder so all of a sudden I could button things again.
Stretch marks? Nope. I invested in some Bio Oil…hoping this keeps the stretch marks away!
Sleep: Sleeping ok. Stressed about finances, so that’s been keeping me up every now and then.
Best moment this week: Go home from walking Thursday evening and my belly had gotten bigger (the pic is from after the walk). My belly was hard too….I’m finally starting to look a bit pregnant.
Have you told family and friends: Yep!
Miss Anything? Yes, lots of things. I think the minute you tell me I can’t have something, it’s the minute I want it. Sushi, wine, even hot dogs ( I went on a mission to find some hot dogs without nitrates…that’s how much I was missing them).
Movement: I thought I felt some flutters…but everyone tells me I’m crazy. Hopefully in a few more weeks!
Food cravings: Sweets. I went out and got some lowfat Cookies and Cream ice cream and eat a scoop nearly every day!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specific, it’s really random when I get my nausea. Nausea wasn’t too bad this week!

Have you started to show yet:  Barely.
Gender prediction: Girl! I even seem to have picked out twice as many girl names I like.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody. Poor hubby. We have visitors from France (staying 10 days). I don’t feel very hospitable, because I’m beyond irritated with their kid! I just need my space right now, and want to be alone a bit.
Looking forward to: Belly getting bigger, so I go from looking a bit fat to looking preggo! Can’t wait! Also, next week is the Nuchal Test.  I’m nervous, but excited at the same time to see the baby again.

That's the start of my bump! It popped out that night.

That’s the start of my bump! It popped out that night.

It’s funny everything I read about the 10th week made it sound like it was going to be the worst, but I must say it wasn’t too bad. The doctor also gave me the go ahead to stop the Progesterone Injections at the end of the 10th week. Saturday was my last shot…….YAY!!

10 things I’m Thankful For

So yesterday was a bad day! The IVF coordinator called me to tell me that they got a letter from our insurance saying that they were denying coverage of our IVF procedure. I was upset, cried for a little bit….then laid on the couch the rest of the day completely dejected. These insurance companies are criminals, and I’ve been so frustrated dealing with all this crap surrounding it…..but I don’t want to get going on this topic!

I woke up this morning, and wanted to mention a few things that I’m thankful for and sort of shift the tone. Ok here we go….

1. I’m thankful that I have an amazing, supporting and loving husband.

2. I’m thankful that I have amazing, loving and supportive parents.

3. I’m thankful for my two gorgeous fur babies!

Lucia & Carmen

Lucia & Carmen

4. I’m thankful that I’ve been blessed with having all of life’s necessities (food, shelter, water, cable tv…hehe jk ab cable…but I do love it!)

5. I’m thankful for my friends who are there for me when I need them to be.

6. I’m thankful to be pregnant with our first beautiful child!

7. I’m thankful for living in Miami, the most amazing, beautiful, sunny city!

8. I’m thankful for my health. I survived cancer, and now am perfectly healthy (minus the infertility).

9. I’m thankful to have traveled the world and have been blessed to do it at such a young age.

10. I’m thankful to not have to work currently, during this first trimester. It hasn’t been easy, but I couldn’t imagine feeling this way & working!

 

Hopefully this will get my day going right!

Lippi’s Miami

Just because I’m pregnant, doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy fine cuisine. I mean, obviously there are things that I can’t enjoy at the moment….but I still get major satisfaction from an amazing meal.

One evening last week, when my parents were coming to visit, we decided to try out Lippi’s in the Brickell area of Miami. It did not disappoint!

The gang started out with some oysters. Man, did they look amazing! Some kumimotos and some New England oysters (forget the name). And can I point out the presentation is so awesome for every single dish!!

Starters

Starters

They also go to enjoy this gorgeous bottle of wine. I just had one teeny sip and it was outstanding! Great recommendation from the sommellier! photo 2

For our entree’s hubby ordered the Kobe beef which was just beautifully marbled. It came uncooked and you cooked it yourself on a block of Himalayan salt. Again, amazing presentation and great food to match!photo 3

I went for the Sea Bass special, which was marinated in Kalamata olives served with shitake mushrooms and tiny onions also marinaded. It was so tasty!

photo 4You can also see the sides we ordered in the above pic. We took the artichokes and the asparagus. I would definitely recommend both, so good!

Dad ordered the lamb, which looked so awesome…but unfortunately rare meat I’m off of for now during the pregnancy. And mom got the duck, which I don’t have a picture of, but she said it was great!

photo 5If you’re in Miami, I would highly recommend this place! Not only was the food, wine and dessert excellent…but the service was OUTSTANDING. Honestly I’ve never had better service in Miami, except at the Michelin star restaurants! Oh and PS they’re dog friendly in the outside section!

 

 

One Drop of Blood

So on Tuesday, I had just gotten off the phone with my college friend who excitedly shared the news that she too was pregnant with the SAME DUE DATE. I was beyond excited!!

I ran upstairs to use the rest room and as I got up there was a drop of red blood that fell into the toilet. I wiped and there was a bit more blood. My heart jumped into my throat as I said to my husband “OMG, I’m bleeding”. He came into the bathroom and we just stood there. I didn’t know what to do, or what to think. NO GOOD!

Trying not to freak out I laid on the couch. I hadn’t over done it that morning. I had just sat through a therapy session and acupuncture. Nothing too crazy. What had I done? Wracking my brain, I pulled up Dr. Google. That was after I went to the bathroom again to check for more blood….NOTHING. Ok, well that’s good!

According to Dr. Google, there were plenty of women who had some blood in their first and even second trimester and went on to have a totally normal pregnancy. That eased my mind a little. I called my mom, texted my friends who’ve been preggo. Mom couldn’t recall any blood. Of the 3 friends I asked about blood 2 had had some. Ok, ok I’m starting to calm a bit more. I was put more at ease knowing the next morning morning I was going to the doc so that he could make sure everything was ok!

That morning I got up and jumped in the shower. As I’m standing there, a pain in my left side, just above my bladder starts. I would say on a scale of 1-10, it was definitely a 6-7. I laid down, still there. I tried to relax, still there. O man, this is NOT GOOD! I got out of the shower trying not to cry. I laid on the bed and told hubs about the pain and immediately burst into tears.  We said a little prayer and headed off to our appointment….trying to hold back tears the entire journey there.

It was my first OB appointment, that’s right, I graduated from the specialist to the normal OB. I should have been excited, but I was nervous as hell. The paperwork and consultation took FOREVER!! I just wanted to see my baby! Make sure it was still here, with that beating little heart. Finally it was time for the ultrasound.

 

Battling Insurance

So back in March, at the beginning of our IVF cycle our insurance denied coverage of the medication. I mean, how can it cover the procedure and NOT the medication? Well apparently there are people who do it without meds…but clearly that wasn’t going to work for me.

They denied the coverage saying blanketed that it wasn’t covered “except as outlined in the Outpatient Medical Services provision”. Well that provision stated that it was covered if I had a history of infertility for 2 or more years. Well, HELLO…it’s been just exactly 2 years since we started treatment in France for infertility. Therefore these bastards better cover it.

I mean, honestly I’m just happy they paid for the $15k for the procedure. But the $8500 for the meds was a big, unexpected cost for us. Since we assumed that the meds were covered as well. Praying this works and we can get at least SOME of our money back!

This stuff is expensive, but worth every penny!

This stuff is expensive, but worth every penny!